📷: January 1, 2020 – Self Portrait
2020 here we are.
Last night I was on the phone with GoDaddy for two hours
trying to get the domain for my art and music blog back. My credit card had
expired, and in a series of unfortunate unseen emails, I lapsed on the renewal.
The website has been dormant since 2014, but it’s important to me because it
was my first real blog. It was my gateway into utilizing social media for
self-promotion. The concept of social media as a marketing tool was in its fledgling
state back in 2009 when I started that blog. It was a great training ground,
helping me to secure internships and identify how one could market their
material. Now, social media marketing is
my career.
In 2010 and the few years that followed, I was fully
committed to that blog; interviewing bands, artists, and sharing what inspired
me. Eventually, I wanted to write about even more interests, so I started
Blanket Fort Adventures. Sadly, this blog has never seen the same level of
dedication the art and music blog received – and it bothers me.
Several areas of my life continue to lack the level of
dedication and attention I know they deserve. It is a frustrating aspect of my
character. I have an aspiration or desire that burns really hot and fast, I’m caught
in a whirlwind of inspiration or ideas, but the fire sputters out, and I allow
the day to day to snuff out my motivation. Time goes by, and I wake up a year
later, realizing I still haven’t leveled up and fully stepped into my
potential. I’m good. I meet certain goals and obligations. But I’m not pushing
myself to become and embody the image I have of myself in my mind’s eye. It’s a
reoccurring self-realization.
For example, in 2012, I wrote about finally committing to
going on a cross country road trip by May 2013, you can read the proclamation
here. I didn’t meet that deadline. During the first few months of 2014, my
heart was heavy knowing I had let myself down – again. I burn bright and then
sputter out. But I changed that year, and I made it happen, I went on that
trip.
Now, I find myself with that feeling again. Knowing that I’m letting myself down. I have within me all the lessons and experiences that have shaped who I am up to this point and can use those tools to really form the woman I want to grow into. We all do. I don’t want to say I’ll do something anymore, I want to do it – all of it. Step into my creative ambitions fully. Step into being a better partner and friend. Step into being a better human and being more mindful of how I move through this world, and treat this planet. Step into playful wonder and spontaneous adventures. I’m not trying to be my idea of perfection, but I am trying to step into, embrace, embody and reflect the truest sense of myself…
A thirty-two-year-old half Japanese woman without a
bachelor’s degree who lives (and pays rent) with their mother. A writer,
artist, storyteller, and performer with an endless desire to be heard and
express themselves. A Kinsey scale 2.5.
A mother to my inner child who is still overcoming parental trauma
(specifically from my Father). A kind, open, and understanding human. A fun,
silly, and loving human. A determined, hardworking, and passionate human. Me.
Excited to meet who I am next decade.
