It’s been a little over a month since I went to my last Moth StorySlam and I am jonesing for a fix. I miss the energy of the room, hearing people’s stories, wondering if my name will be called. I knew when I decided to attend a few night classes that meant I would have to put the Moth aside for a few months, and I knew I would miss it, I just wasn’t expecting how much and so fast.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m sharing the second to last Moth StorySlam story I prepared before my little hiatus. The topic of the night was “Obsession” and many girls and women graced the stage to talk about their romantic obsessions. And I would have felt lame if my story was exactly like theirs, except mine, wasn’t about my romantic obsession, but the other girl who was equally obsessed with him.
MOTH STORY SLAM – OBSESSION – 12/13/2017
click to read the story
There is a fine line between being annoyingly creepy and adorably earnest. That line is measured by mutual attraction. There is even a whole theory about this, it’s called The Dobler Dahmer theory and was made popular by the Golden Globe-nominated hit television show How I Met Your Mother. Dobler refers to John Cusack’s character in Say Anything who lifts a stereo romantically above his head outside the house of his true heart’s desire in an effort to declare his love. Dahmer refers to well Jeffrey Dahmer. So basically, if both people are into each other than a big romantic gesture works: Dobler. If one person isn’t into the other, the same gesture comes off crazy – Dahmer.
Until only about 5 years ago, I think I mostly landed somewhere in the Dahmer boat. See, I’ve never been that great at being coy. I have too much anxiety and lack of impulse control for it, so if I liked you, you knew it. I kissed the boys in preschool and wrote notes to boys in high school. One time I was standing next to my summer crush at a music festival in Long Beach, and when the headlining band started to play, I grabbed his hand and pulled him through the crowd closer to the stage. If this was a movie, the dude would have instantly fallen in love with my manic pixie dream girl ways, but it wasn’t a movie and all though he enjoyed the closer view, he never asked me out on a date. Dahmer.
Well, 5 years ago, my Dahmer turned Dobler. When I was introduced to this really cute guitarist by my co-worker, and upon meeting we flirted all night and I gave him my number. But the next day at work I find out he wasn’t going to call. I was super bummed out, so that weekend I got margaritas and sang Katy Perry songs with my best friend Liz. Well, a few margaritas in I think it’s a brilliant idea to show up to this guy’s show at Los Globos. Liz and I concoct this whole story, we just happened to be in the neighborhood getting dinner and then wanted to see what was going on a Los Globos. We even actually got dinner across the street so we would have receipts. So let’s call it what it is, I stalked the guy and by the end of the night was found out.
And did the guy get totally creeped out?! NO HE DIDN’T! He thought it was earnest and cute, and well – Dobler win! We later went on an official consensual date that went really well. But he texted me a few days later saying he just wasn’t interested in dating anyone at the moment. Damn, I really thought this guy would be the one, I mean he asked me out on a date after clearly stalking him. Yet, I had enough self-respect to know that “not interested in dating” meant “not interested in dating me” and I was not going to talk to this guy. No friendship.
So like any self-respecting millennial who refused to continue a friendship with the guy she has a major crush on, I quietly stalked him on Facebook. That way when he did “decided to date again” I would know who the girl was… and of course, make sure I was prettier and smarter than her. And well, there was another “her.”
See, when checking his Facebook profile at 2 am in the morning filled with whiskey, I noticed there was another girl posting on his page. She was posting these amazing love songs by the likes of Violins, Beach House and other lovelorn shoegaze dream pop type of stuff. I loved her taste in music, but who was this girl posting to my obsessions Facebook page. Then in the morning, when I would check his Facebook page to see what he’d been up to because maybe I missed something between the hours of 2 am and 9 am, her videos would be gone. Did she delete him? Did he?
This pattern continued for like two and half months. I watched as this girl confessed her love for him on Facebook at the wee-drunken hours of the morning and remove it by the dawn. One time in my drunken stalking I even accidentally friended her on Facebook. The request was not approved.
Then three months after my first date with that guy, he ended up coming back around and started flirting with me, and although I had been adoring him from afar, I basically told him he could either date me or take a hike because he wasn’t getting this as a casual fling. And surprisingly, exception NOT the rule, when he said he wasn’t interested in dating – he meant that. And the person he did want to date when ready to date, was me. Yay! Yet, I couldn’t help but feel bad for my fellow late night stalker who clearly also had some feelings for my fella.
Now, let me tell you, if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like asking your new boyfriend about his other stalker – well it’s awkward, and he might look at you like a confused shocked owl for what seems like at least 5 minutes but is likely only a few seconds.
I had to explain my interim stalking, which he admitted to interim stalking me as well. Dobler win!
But, then went to explain that the girl was someone he had dated a year ago, and they were just friends now, but when she gets drunk she sends love songs. I wasn’t upset, and the Dobler Dahmer theory had somehow weaseled its way into the playlist – because I really liked the music she would send him and even start listening to the bands she shared. He was clearly in a relationship now, and I figured these musical gestures would fade away.
Yet, they didn’t. And one day she came after my other obsession, Katy Perry. See, I love Katy P, I saw her movie in the theaters. I’ve seen her perform in LA and NY. And after dating me for about four months, his second stalker laid it out for him, he could either decide to be with her, an artistic intellectual with exquisite taste in music or me, who is also an artistic intellectual with an exquisite taste in music, but is a proud bubblegum pop-loving Katy Perry fan. The new music I was being introduced could no longer sustain her Dobler status, and she was now a Dahmer. You can insult me and send love songs to my boyfriend, but you do not insult Katy Perry. So that day I decided it was probably best to just block her, despite all the new music we’d miss being introduced to.
I’m married to that guy by the way. And we ended up seeing that girl only a few years ago at a show.
She wasn’t weird. Didn’t say hi. We were one in the same, except I landed on the Dobler side of the theory and in this case, she landed on the Dahmer side. But one day I hope she finds a guy that appreciates her, and she lands on the Dobler side of the coin. Find the Diane Court to her Loyd Dobler.
p.s. my name was not called that night, but I went on stage and gave my first two lines like a champ. Hence the photo my awesome friend snapped of me.