All smokers began smoking because they thought someone else who was smoking was cool, plain and simple. It’s not necessarily a matter of peer pressure it’s a matter of cool pressure, and I have been feeling the pressure. Ever since I stopped taking my meds, all the little voices in my head that have been on vacation are back telling me to pick up the cigarette smoking habit. With my cute pink case and with my all my favorite films having leads that smoke, it’s been hard to say no. Damn it I do feel cool kids smoke cigarettes, well at least till their early 30’s for women, late 30’s to mid 40s for men. I am envious of the stylish pretty girl with a delicate cigarette held between two fingers.

Once upon a time in my teen years to early 20’s I was a serious smoker. I bought packs, coffee and cigarettes were a daily ritual and damn it I felt cool. I was rebellious, artsy, different, a smoker. But then I went on Welbutrin and all the cravings went away, I smoked here and there but nothing ever serious. Years later I’m not psychically addicted to cigarettes, I am just in love with the idea I have of people who do smoke. Well at least the pretty people, ugly trashy people do not count. But those who possess an exotic film noir quality about them, their club I want to join.

So I bought a pack, had a few puffs over the course of a few days and damn it I can’t commit. Maybe when young and stupid your body is more open to being damaged. But mid-twenties my lungs are saying “are you fucking kidding me” and immune system replies “we’re shutting down I feel poison, do I smell arsenic?” and big brain goes “yeah this doesn’t seem like a good idea”. After a valiant effort I’ve decided to not pick up smoking again. Well I did not really decided more like my body was saying fuck you and there is way too much shit you need to do without feeling this awful; veto.

But what will make me cool? What can I offer and be my ticket to the cool kids’ lunch table. Mini lollipops maybe? Yes I’ve decided to carry dum dums with me and whenever friends go outside for their cigarette, I’ll join by eating my dum dum. In my humble opinion I think it’s brilliant.