redefining wanderlust

a life blog by Bekka

Posts for unfocused

Unfocused February

Bowerbird’s real name is Dan, Bowerbird is a nickname he picked up in his early twenties playing with bands. When I was first dating Dan, he asked not to be named so I started saying Bowerbird and find it fun to call him Bowerbird on the internet. But for this story I will call my fiancé by his real name.

It’s time for some real talk because at the end of January I was focused and ready to post multiple times a week, grow my YouTube channel, and take Blanket Fort Adventures to the next level! Now, February is almost over and I don’t know what happened to this month. As I was explaining to Dan, our expectations for the month weren’t just thrown out the window but were shoved down a t-shirt cannon and launched off the freeway going 60 miles per hour.

The day after my birthday, Dan and I had planned a fun day trip to Big Bear. Usually we like to start our adventures as early in the day as possible, but I had a last minute client project that I had to finish before we left. So we weren’t ready to head out the door until 11:00 am and just as we were about to drive away I noticed I hadn’t flossed. I had every intention of vlogging the day trip, so I ran back inside to quickly floss and hop in the car, that’s when I saw a 714 number appear on my phone. At the moment, I’m without 95% of my contacts in my phone so I figured it might be a cousin calling me to wish me a belated birthday. Instead, I heard the sad voice of my future sister-in-law, Dan’s father had passed away. My heart dropped and I handed the phone to Dan. We were with his family for the rest of the day. I can’t express enough how much I love and adore the family I will be marrying into. Right when Dan and I started dating his father had a terrible stroke that left his mind confused. It worsened over the years, but I’ll never forget he had a faint idea who I was during Christmas after meeting me at Thanksgiving.  I know he liked me and I’m really happy I was able to show him that we were engaged, even if he didn’t fully understand who I was.  I’ve tried to be here for Dan as much as possible and we are riding the waves of emotion the best way we know how.

This month we also had scheduled our floors to be redone. So my office and our bedroom has over flowed into the other parts of the house, leaving me to work from the kitchen table and have minor anxiety attacks realizing the amount of junk I possess. Basically, we have no homeostasis! And it’s been a rollercoaster of emotional anxieties. Now, I don’t want to first world problem myself into oblivion because we have immense blessings and are free from severe worries. I just did my “fake” taxes and discovered I have enough to pay the IRS, woot woot, first year of being a sole proprietor. So, even though our expectations were shredded like a beehive in the same radius of a honey badger, our life is still filled with love and support.

I also volunteered to take photos at the LA Marathon this month for Students Run LA, which was an incredibly moving experience, and was a completely new adventure to partake in. And this weekend I am helping out one of my best friends at her first bridal expo, she’s a wonderful bridal photographer who sadly will be in my wedding and not shooting it.  Planning the wedding, yeah that’s stressful.

Anyways, I have had no direction or focus this month. I feel more forgetful than usual and I’m just trying to keep my head above the proverbial water. Now, like I said I realize my issue are trivial and there are so many more terrible and important things going on in the world than my unfocused month or jumbled up expectations and loss of direction. But I felt I should share where I’m at, so I can lay a foundation for where I’m going – which is more frequent blog posts, youtube videos, and any other content you want to throw at me. Give me an idea and let’s roll with it. Life is an adventure, let’s explore. (( PG-13 style ))

One thing I have been doing consistently this month is my new Little Things series, I’d love if you would check it out and subscribe!

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