redefining wanderlust

a life blog by Bekka

Posts for growing pains

REAL TALK : BEING AUTHENTIC

holly golightly mask

Holly Golightly wore many masks, and this was one of her few authentic moments.

Last night my sister told me, in that loving way only big sisters can, that my writing has been boring. My blog posts have been dry and don’t have my voice. Well written with less grammatical errors than in the past, but it lacks that special sparkle that comes just from me. It’s missing my voice. And I took this harsh and honest criticism in the best way a twenty-something younger sister can, I hemmed and hawed, hung up the phone and ranted about my stupid sister to my boyfriend. Then as I laid in my bed, belly face down, those terrible words any person hates to utter slipped from my mouth, “She’s right.”

I’ve been feeling the pressure to get my stories from the road out of me and posted up. Partly because I fear the memories will become too distant, and partly because I want to write about the present. So I’m pumping out my posts.like a factory writer, instead of letting my heart guide me and build this blog organically. It’s like my brain signed a contract saying, “You must first finish all stories from the road trip before sharing any other adventure you experience!”  Approaching the road trip posts like a job, has in turn made these posts sound just like my ‘work personality’ and not my authentic self.

See my profession is social media management and blog/copy writing. And for the past three years I have been paid to write in the voice of companies, causing myself to lose my own artistic voice. I’ve definitely become a better overall writer, but my personality was dulled in the process. The main company I was with the last three years was soul crushing and toxic. While there I think I let them steal some of my sparkle. In the last three years, I had less energy, lost my sense of playfulness and ‘fun aunt’ title, and I didn’t write for myself (ie: blog and interview people) nearly as much as I had in the past. I love interviewing people and blogging, it’s seriously my strange addiction. Even the ‘boring’ posts I’ve been happy to upload, I do get a rush from the ‘publish’ button. But I’ve always wanted to do different kinds of posts and didn’t because of that strange agreement.

I know the key to successful blog/ online personality is to be authentic. I’d be lying to say I wouldn’t love to do partnerships and have this be my platform. But no one is going to read my posts, and want to be a part of my journey unless I’m authentic. I know I have this fantastic way of lying to myself. Many times I’ve convinced myself/ lied to myself into bad relationships. I construct the right answer, not the true answer. I construct an accurate post, not an authentic story. Plus why am I afraid of the memories becoming too distant, memories marinate and get better with time – not worse! Now I’m working freelance. I have 24 hours a day to manifest whatever I desire. A toxic free environment. I won’t feel drained when I come home because I wouldn’t have been exerting energy just to remain sane. I’m in the process of being my authentic self again. I am going to create a blog schedule/ calendar for myself; because it’s a way of dedicating more time to what makes me happy. But I’m going to stop writing my posts like I think they should sound, and instead write them like they want to sound.

Thank you for letting me be authentic. It’s not easy to be, but it’s a better way to be.

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Bushes & Trees, roots of Friendship!

My sister and I talk about this often, the group of friend dynamic versus the having friends from different walks of life.  Are a bush or a tree? Neither dynamic is right or wrong, it is just different ways of interacting with people and engaging with life.  There are people who have the same group of friends they hang out with often, they go on vacation with them, plan group birthday parties, dinner table of 7 etc. But trees, they have friendships that tend to be navigated more independently of each other.  With one trunk, that person at times brings friends together, and meets other people based off core (stronger) branches, but most of the friends are independent of each other. I had this discussion with my friend Jon a few weeks ago as we were driving over to an art show he invited me to at Warner Music Group.  We became friends in a roundabout way, but he introduced me to another new friend Heather, who I ran into at the art show as she is a co-worker of Jon and the WMG show was sort of an “industry” thing (after having met at a party for Jon’s girlfriend) and invited her to wine tasting the following Monday with my co-workers.

He sort of saw the Bush vs. Tree thing like one was good and the other bad, I saw him more like a Bush but he sort of fought to be a Tree. I told him he was more like a tree with bushes at the end, like a Japanese tree.  Well after the art show, Jon and I headed over to a pizza spot where we hung out with one of his branches, his branches that possessed a little bush at the top because everyone we were eating with knew each other.

Anyway the rest of that same weekend was spent hanging out with various branches of my own trunk. Cause yes I am a tree, and the whole meeting Heather through Jon that is just basically how I make more friends. I have a lot of friends (not insanely close but people whos company I enjoy), and sometimes none of them are available to hang out. Like having cable, there are a ton of channels with nothing on; but every so often and most of the time when there is something on it’s a really epic movie from the 80’s that makes me roll on the ground laughing and have an amazing time!

*this all happened in May, now into June I have met more people I would like to get to know better and have spent multiple weekends out and about till 3am. The plethora of stories and adventures I have to share, just need to commit to writing it down.

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