I will beat the shame game by owning my journey.
Whenever I visit other blogs, I’m inspired or motivated to work on my own. Then when I’m on my blog, tinkering with widgets or brainstorming new content ideas, I start to look at my past content and want to hide it all. I have this itch for a fresh start. And just a few moments ago, I was reminded why I shouldn’t start all over again, and I should start owning my journey.
Blanket Fort Adventures is my longest blog relationship. I’ve been sharing my life online since 2003 under different names and on different platforms. And although an early adopter of blogging, the inconsistency in my online identity meant I was never in one place long enough to build up a readership. But Blanket Fort Adventures has been around for a while now, since December 2011, and the topics discussed, the focus – it’s been all over the place. In 2017, an unfocused blog / purely online diary is a total faux pax. How do you grow that? Well, I’ll tell you it’s flipping difficult. So while in the midst of re-strategizing BFA, I scrolled through my Bloglovin profile looking at the visual inconsistency, the weak blog titles, and what caught my eye was all my road trip posts.
My cross-country road trip. My dream trip that I planned and executed in October of 2014. I went to the category all the posts are housed and just scrolled through all the adventures. I smiled. My eyes were wide, and I admired the woman in the pictures. I admired myself. And that doesn’t happen very often.
After listening to a dozen or so interviews and Ted Talks with Brené Brown I’ve come to realize, I carry around a lot of shame. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always had the gremlins in my head saying I’m not enough and I’m not capable. As an adult, I combat them with daily affirmations and a bunch of other coping tools, but those gremlins are still pretty strong on a day to day basis. Especially since I started planning a wedding.
As I looked back at my old road trip posts, at the bad graphic design and fuzzy photos, I silenced the gremlins of shame and decided to own my journey. My journey in blogging, relationships, career, life — everything. I’ve exposed parts of my journey, and I shouldn’t feel ashamed of it. I shouldn’t hide it in the pursuit of perfection either. I am who I am.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown
The best thing for me to do now, for my blog and myself, is to come to a place of acceptance. I can pursue general self-improvement and creative growth with out it defining a lack of who I am. Yup, really have to work on moving out of a fixed mindset and into a growth mindset. So, I’m not hiding it. I’m not hiding my countless attempts at a weekly Friday series with different names and formats. I’m not hiding the countless, “It’s been a while since I’ve blogged,” posts. I’m not hiding. My mistakes are exposed, so we can ALL learn from them.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. My imperfection. My shame.
p.s. I can’t help but feel a little silly to be having this deep reflection and dialogue with myself because of an analysis around my blog. But, it is a safe way to express a much deeper self-examination I’m experiencing. Because perpetual self-doubt and shame is nonconstructive and poisons the potential greatness that life possesses. There is a war between light and darkness going on outside of us, so we have to beat the battles within to win the war for love and light.
Awesome Brené Brown Videos:
Hey, there cutie!
It’s been a minute. It always is. My blog is like my 10th friend. I rotate it into my life like the coffee and cocktail dates I try and schedule with my IRL human relationships. Now, that I’m in the 100-day countdown to getting hitched, I really don’t expect this to be any easier, but I can always hope. The game plan? Eat healthily, secure six hours of sleep a night, avoid alcohol, and take my supplements. Sadly, although I had a playlist created in May I never published it. So, I’ve combined May and June into one 2 hour dreamscape of cool hits for hot days 😉.
Wish me luck! 95 days till the wedding
full track list after the jump
Anti-biotics, laser treatments, birth control – I’ve tried it all to manage and clear my acne and none of it really worked. I wanted to share my acne skin story because I no longer have painful cystic breakouts and my regimen might help someone else out too.
When I was thirteen a boy named Henry said to me, “you have perfect skin.” This would have been a compliment except for the fact that I remember he was angry at me. He said it to me almost like a curse, like I didn’t understand the world because I had perfect skin and he would show me. Little did Henry know, that in six months from when he cursed my perfect skin, I’d get my first acne breakout. Cystic acne that would plague my adolescence and adulthood for the next fifteen years. I can’t for the life of me remember the interaction that led up to Henry cursing my perfect skin, but I will never forget that he did – because I haven’t seen it since. My cheeks are covered in icepick scars and I’m never without some discoloration, but I can proudly say I have managed to get the upper hand on my acne.
My acne has gone in cycles, from 16 to 22 it was really bad, then around 23 to 26 it mellowed, but right around 27 it came back with a fury. The pimples were deep, red, and really pissed off. Up until the last few years, I’ve never experienced clear skin. At a minimum, I would have 3 -4 deep pimples on my face with a collection of blemishes, usually around my chin but the breakouts didn’t discriminate from my cheeks or forehead. My breakouts were painful. I’d just be living my life and my skin would hurt. When I’d sleep over at a boyfriend’s house, I’d wash off my makeup and wouldn’t get into the same bed unless the lights were off, I’d also wake up and put on makeup before my boyfriend was up. I’ve never understood people who can just wear a little coverup and be done. All the tutorials that suggest a little cover up/concealer for a quick morning routine never had acne. I’m illustrating my experience with acne because I want the person who also is 26 going – “why the hell do I still have acne” read this and gets that I understand them. Cause acne isn’t just one or two pimples that eventually go away. Acne is painful, all over, persistent, and leaves a mark (or dozens).
I’ve used the following regimen for over a year now and have clear skin because of it! Whenever I deviate and try different cleansers and moisturizers, the breakouts come back. Also, I used to believe in the “skin purging” story, but unless you’re using a serum that is accelerating cell turnover, the skin shouldn’t breakout and purge. The purge can be a sign of irritation, and a reason to stop using a certain product. So without further ado – here is what I use for my skin.
Femmenessence Macaharmony: I purchased Femmenessence MacaHarmony to help with menstrual cramps, but what it did for my skin makes me a forever advocate. When using the supplement my cramps are better, but unlike any oral solution before, the MacaHarmony helped to clear up my skin and keep it clear. The above Before picture was taken 2 days before starting Femenessence, within a month I saw a huge difference in my skin and by month three my skin was the clearest I’d seen since I was a kid. My skin was so terrible, I didn’t necessarily experience a breakout before it got better, my skin was just terrible and became wonderful. The supplement also helps with my fatigue. The company that makes Femmenessence MacaHarmony also has a medical team people can call to help advise with dosage or answer any questions, talk about AMAZING customer service. I can’t say enough nice things about Femmenessence.
80% of my clear skin is due to Femmenessence, and the other 20% to my actual skin care regimen. I’ve determined this because whenever I’ve deviated to new skincare products, while on Femmenessence, I’ll experience a few new breakouts. Not hormonal breakouts, but breakouts attributed to skin irritation. I’m so grateful for discovering this new routine, I’m ride or die with the following products too.
Philosophy Purity Made Simple Cleanser: Double cleansing is the ONLY way one should be washing their face. The first cleanse is to wash away all the makeup, dirt, pollution, and impurities. The best cleanser I have found for this is Philosophy’s Purity cleanser. It’s really gentle, but breakdowns makeup like a beast. I rarely have to use any eye-makeup remover. I also use Purity as my morning face wash too. I believe the more gentle you are with your skin when approaching acne the better. Most acne products are incredibly harsh and drying on the skin, and those suffering from acne are willing to ignore the fact these products speed up our skins aging process in the hopes of clear skin NOW. However, when I decided to be kinder to my skin, it started producing the desired results. Can’t blame it for breaking out, when I was irritating it twice a day with salicylic acid.
Mario Badescu Acne Facial Cleanser: At night I follow up the Purity Cleanser with Mario Badescu’s Acne Facial Cleanser. This is the only step in my skincare routine that has the word “acne” on it, and I only use it once a day. I view the second facial cleanse as treatment. The first cleansing to remove the dirt and makeup is prepping the area for treatment. The ingredients in the acne cleanser are able to penetrate deeper and manage the bacteria that causes acne, because it’s not fighting through other junk to get to the real culprit of a pimple. The MB Acne Facial Cleanser contains salicylic acid to combat acne, but also has amazing skin soothing ingredients like Aloe Vera, Chamomile, Thyme Extracts, and Hyaluronic Acid for ultimate hydration. All the loving ingredients in the MB Acne cleanser have been kind to my skin as a treatment solution, especially since I’ve found most acne cleanser are extremely aggressive and irritating to the skin. And when the skin is angry, it can cause more problems instead of less.
Rosehip Oil: The use of oils on the skin have been on the rise in the last 6 years and for good reason. IT’S AMAZING!! Although I double cleanse with gentle products, I’m still removing a lot of the natural oils from my face and leaving it thirsty for some hydration, and nothing beats treating my face to rosehip oil before bed. I started using it because I read that the way to combat oily skin was to use oils on the skin. It seems counter-intuitive but actually, makes total sense. The skin will produce excess oil because it’s not balanced and needs more hydration than it’s being provided. When you start using oil on your skin, the skin soaks it in better than most standard facial moisturizers, and in turn, stops producing excess oil. Well, after testing this myself for over 2 years – that science is fact. I have the most balanced and supple skin! In the morning my skin glows and not from being “oily”, it’s because it’s still hydrated from the night before. Also, Rosehip oil helps with healing minor scars and discoloration, which in my before and after picture you can tell a lot of my hyperpigmentation has faded, and mostly because of rosehip oil. It is a bit smelly, so I will follow up the rosehip oil with a drop or two of tea tree oil. I just dab the tea tree oil around my chin mostly and a little around my nose for aromatherapy and then call it a night.
I don’t recommend Rosehip Oil for the morning because it is an oil and makeup will not go on properly, but at night it’s perfect. By the time I’m done brushing my teeth, the oil has soaked into my skin enough that I don’t feel I’m going to leave an oil stain on my pillowcase. p.s. I have a black pillowcase, so not sure what this would do to a white pillow case night after night, however, I haven’t really had any embarrassing issues at hotels.
Ponds Cold Cream: Since I was doing a blog post on my skin care regimen, I wanted to add the fact I use Ponds Cold Cream to remove my eye makeup. I don’t use it every day, but if after the Purity Cleanser I still have makeup residue around my eyes I use the cold cream. I started using Ponds Cold Cream as an eye makeup remover 6 years ago and I’m so happy I did because it’s helped me with fine lines and wrinkles around my eyes. The extra hydration from the cream has been acting like an eye cream for the last half-decade and I didn’t even realize it until now. My mom has always been a Ponds Cold Cream woman, so when all the eye makeup removers I purchased started to hurt my eyes or need too much rubbing to remove the makeup, I turned to a classic. All I do is gently apply some of the cold cream to the eye makeup I want to remove and then swipe it away with a cotton pad. Super fast, easy, and no rubbing that can cause those pesky signs of aging. I had to give some major props to this classic oldy but goodie. The tub lasts FOREVER, and it so gentle and nourishing. I’m so happy I started using this because I didn’t start using a legit eye-cream until now. When I went to go purchase my first eye cream, the saleswoman thought I was 21 – yup not so much, but thanks for the compliment.
The above products are what have worked for me in a way that no other skin care regimen ever has. A common issue with those with acne is not just trying to cover up the discoloration with makeup, but fighting with the less than stellar texture of our skin as well. I’m so happy and thankful for figuring out what works for my skin because now I know the texture of my skin on my wedding day will actually be nice. That might be super shallow and vain, but when you’ve had a hard time going to sleep because you just have a painful breakout across your face and can’t lay down on your side like normal, clear skin starts to mean something a little more to you than just vanity. It means comfort in my your body, and reinforced confidence in your mind.
Everyone’s skin is different and treatment of acne is going to be different, but if you haven’t found a solution yet I urge you to test mine out. It’s really great for sensitive skin and has changed my life. Until this stops working, I’m not changing anything in my nighttime skin care regimen for acne.
Disclaimer: I’m not a dermatologist. I’m not a skin expert. This has all been stated from my personal experience dealing with acne and how I cleared my skin. I’m an expert in living with acne.
It’s been a really gloomy gray week in Southern California. But this morning the sun is out, and golden rays are flooding my office. I love the crisp cold air of the morning and the unique glow only fresh sun rays bestow on the earth. I feel like a sunflower waking up. Oh, no more floral metaphors. Anyways, this new day is invigorating, and as I watched May Favorite YouTube videos while eating some homemade granola, I really wanted to share some of my own favorites or just stuff I came across recently. This lead me to go “F* it,” it’s time to do weekly check-in’s / progress reports. So if you’re down, here are a few things I’ve been loving, liking, thinking about, and generally want to share.
SHOW & TELL
I have four different colors as my primary color inspiration for my wedding. Each bridesmaid get’s to choose her own color, fuchsia pink, turquoise, marigold, or poppy orange. My sister has been designated with poppy orange, but as she has three kids, a full-time job, and our writing project – I decided to do some bridesmaid dress research for her. I didn’t find the dress, but I did find these, that I’m in love with!! ONE / TWO
Recently a friend posed the question how someone can still choose to be Catholic after she’d watched The Keepers. I engaged in the conversation slightly, but Facebook really isn’t the place to have an in-depth theological discussion. Since I wanted to know where she was coming from, I watched the docuseries sooner than I had anticipated. It’s heartbreaking and the retelling of the acts of a truly EVIL man. It was disturbing, and my heart breaks for all the victims involved in this story. This also led me to watch Spotlight. The acts of the Archdiocese is appalling and inexcusable, and I pray that the church is exorcising its demons. I still feel the internet is not the best place for that conversation, but my position is that you can have faith in Catholicism and still oppose the acts of the Catholic Church, they are not one in the same. It’s spirituality versus a system. Anywho, The Keepers and Spotlight are both fantastic watches, and I commend the work of the Bulldogs exposing the corruption in the church. [[and you have every right to disagree with my thought process, and think I’m deplorable – whatevs. oh, and watching these films was NOT the first time i learned of the church’s corruption. ]]
Lighter note! Music – I discovered Rubblebucket this week and their EP “If U C My Enemies” makes me so damn happy.
Episode 62: Creating Your Wellness Toolbox + Understanding Lyme Disease With Ally Hilfiger
Episode 53: Turning A Dead End Into A U-turn With Jensen Karp Of Kanye West Owes Me Three Hundred Dollars
Episode 52: Why Healthy Eating Doesn’t Solve All Your Problems + Being An Introvert + Hustling Hard With Laura Miller Of Raw. Vegan. Not Gross.
Hope you enjoyed my progress report & have a wonderous weekend!
Share your progress report in the comments, what’s something you’ve been watching, liking, or loving this week?
LOVE & LIGHT
Hyperlinks marked with an asterisk are affiliate links. This means that if you buy something through the link, I get paid a little something for the recommendation.
The second quarter of this year has been interesting. On the outside life was taken up a few notches with work, festivals, and school (yes I’m taking classes – more on that in a different post). But on the inside, creatively, I fell into a deep lull. I believe total wholeness is achieved when one can strike a balance between creative fulfillment and adult obligation. It’s more like a pendulum than a scale, but if the ball continues to swing back and forth, then there is a cosmic balance. Instead, my chain got tangled up on one end of the spectrum. I’ve taken some time to untangle that specific ball and chain and ready to kick the pendulum back into action.
Surprisingly, it was my dog Lou who helped me take this necessary break. A few weeks ago, on the 17th to be exact, we found out she was internally bleeding. Her platelet count was 11, and a healthy dog has between 100 – 170 platelets. The news of her health left me feeling completely helpless. I had no idea how she got so sick. The vet says it’s likely an auto-immune diseases and the GREAT news is that she does seem to be responding well to the steroid treatment the doctor prescribed. But, we won’t know for certain until her second blood test later this week. Once she got sick, I put my social life on hold. The steroid treatment is multiple times a day, at the same time. It’s causing her to urinate every hour. And since we weren’t sure what caused the internal bleeding, I started making her homemade dog food ( just in case it was her diet). The hyper-attention to her health helped give me the time to reflect on my own. I’m not happy she got sick, but I guess I see the silver-lining in the whole situation. The universe has a way of helping us when we are unaware of how to help ourselves.
While I’ve been taking extra care of Lou (and myself), I’ve been reading *”You’re A Badass: How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero. It’s AMAZING!! The book contains a lot of information I was previously aware of, but her words and the way she writes is helping to flip on lightbulbs left and right in my brain. My synapses are firing! I haven’t finished the book yet, but I highly recommend it. I’ve started to apply a few of the principles, and already, I’m seeing big cosmic shifts. Even this book was a part of helping to untangle the mess I found myself in. I made the following video, “Time To Bloom” as my first step to reigniting my creative spark, and also to recognize I’m ready to do thinks a little differently.
Thank you for being my buds!
love & light
Not feeling awesome today.
Decided publishing my very short April playlist, aptly titled Imperfect 10 would help me feel better.
Love & Light
Yesterday, as I scrolled through the train wreck… not even, the nuclear meltdown that was #FyreFestival, I was overcome with shame for every time I complained the vegetarian options outside of VIP sucked at Coachella. Dan and I survived working the Coachella record store another year and have officially decided not to do it again; we even bought hoodies as a commemorative souvenir. Coachella is an emotionally and physically exhausting event to work, and I’m still getting over my Coachella induced cold. But Coachella overall is an amazing festival that really takes care of its attendees. There is so much that goes on behind the scenes to create a great experience for those that attend the festival, that to complain about any of it just shows the amount of delusion us first world people live in (and I’m super guilty). Anyways, one of the little details you’ve probably never thought about when it comes to festival production is ‘pest’ control. I’ve been to Coachella five times and not once did it occur to me they have an onsite beekeeper to remove hives until I sat down to dinner with him. The Coachella Beekeeper.
Dan and I like to retreat to catering where there is an oasis of iced tea, fruit infused water, and a dessert bar. It also has buffet food for those working in production and have an artist pass, but we don’t get access to that. Anyways, as Dan and I went to catering to rest our weary legs and drink some free cold beverages, I sat down at a table with a friendly looking guy. Since I don’t have permission to use his name, he will be referred to as Mr. B.
Mr. B looked like an old rock dude with shoulder length hair. Out of curiosity and polite dinner conversation I asked what he did for the festival. Mr. B then proceeded to tell me he relocated beehives. I was shocked and excited. My face lit up! We then went on to talk about the dwindling bee population and how he got into bee removal. He grew up in Colorado and started beekeeping at the age of 12. Later, when he moved out to Palm Springs in his early twenties, he was working as a waiter when the opportunity to remove a beehive came up. With the experience he had from his days of beekeeping in Colorado, he attempted to remove the hive and was successful. He immediately saw a business opportunity and never went back to waiting tables again. For the last 30 years, he’s been relocating hives from businesses and buildings to his farm where the hives can thrive in safety.
I loved talking about bees with Mr. B, who had removed at least five different hives from the festival grounds. Coachella bee removal, a logistical element I would have never thought of, but this pro-festival has it on lock. Mr. B also worked Desert Trip, and his eyes lit up when talking about meeting Mick Jagger.
It was an awesome and unexpected interaction. I wasn’t even going to share this story until I read about the Titanic failure of Fyre Festival. Production is not an easy job, and Coachella really runs a tight ship. So this is 1) me sharing about the most interesting man I met at Coachella, 2) a giant apology for ever complaining about anything, 3) a massive thank you to the amazing people that coordinate an experience for 125,000 people.
** p.s. Before anyone makes a comment about Coachella funding hate groups because you saw a viral video. Please see the below comment I made on another friend’s Facebook post.
I’ve attended Coachella once as a festival goer, and have been working at the festival in the merch department for the last 3 years. That totals up to 4 years of Coachella experience. So let me share my insight with you! The desert elements can be brutal and I keep a few essential items in my purse while going between my shifts at the record store and favorite band sets. My camping guide is even more comprehensive and hopefully, I can put that together between now and Thursday, but none-the-less here is what I keep in my purse.
- My cell phone/camera. Instead of carrying around an extra camera, I will just be filming and taking photos on my cell. I also keep my phone on airplane mode most of the time to save its battery. The first time I went to Coachella as a festival goer, I challenged myself to unplug and not be on my phone to distract myself from my awkward social anxiety. There are so many friendly people in the world, open yourself up to meeting a few by just saying hello!
- External battery charger. Fortunately, there are dozens of charging stations inside the festival. But do you really want to be attached to an electrical box instead of discovering a new band? No, no you do not. Bring an extrenal battery charger and you’ll be safe from experiencing FOMO.
- Tissues. There is a lot of dirt and dust. Tissues keep me from driving myself crazy with the sniffles.
- Cottonelle Flushable Wipes. A few years ago flushable toilettes were installed at the Empire Polo fields that helped provide alternative options to the porta potties. But regardless you are using the same bathroom as hundreds of other people, and in case you happen to go in one when there is no toilet paper – now you have a backup. (the tissues are good for this too obviously)
- Wet Ones. A lot of the food inside the festival is finger food and after touching money, grass, dirt, just everything… my hands feel gross. Before eating I like to wipe my hands with wet wipes to keep things clean. Instead of just using regular gel antibacterial, the wet wipes actually remove the dirt instead of turning into sanitized mud.
- Face Mask / Bandana. It gets really windy in the desert causing dirt to fly into the air and get lodged in your lungs. Even if it’s not a windy day/ night, upon exiting the festival dirt is kicked up into the air by everyone walking around you. Stay healthy by protecting your lungs, keep a face mask on you. Don’t get the Coachella cough – it’s not cute.
- Sunscreen. Pretty self-explanatory. Skin cancer, also not cute.
- Band-aids. Blisters happen. If you’re not used to being on your feet for 12+ hours while dancing and walking about 5 miles over the course of the day, then just have some band-aids on hand. Better safe than sorry.
- Allergy Medicine (Zyrtec). You technically can’t bring allergy meds into the festival, so take some before going in. I get pretty bad allergies since there is so much grass and dirt in the air. I take a little Zyrtec and I’m good to go for the day.
- Cash Diet. I like to bring cash to the festival because it helps me manage my spending. The food is amazing, the beer garden is on point. So instead of using my card, I like to use cash. Plus then I’m able to tip the vendors. It’s physically exhausting working the festival, especially for the food vendors working in hot tents cooking yummy eats for everyone. Tips can be super encouraging.
- Sunglasses. I bought my first pair of prescription sunglasses in 2012 for my first Coachella experience. I knew I’d be in the sun all day and I wanted to protect my eyes. It’s been one of the best investments I’ve ever made. I recommend for those who do not need prescription sunnies, to bring cheap sunglasses so they don’t get lost. But for those that wear glasses like me, treat yo’ self.
I seriously have so many tip, tricks, and hacks for navigating Coachella.
If you have a question, feel free to leave it below!
Happy festival season my fellow music lovers.
LOVE & LIGHT